I was sitting in a coffee shop recently trying to write a blog post. It wasn’t happening.

Then a couple sat down nearby. I could not help but overhear some of their conversation. Seems they have a middle school son who is shaping up as a bit of a slacker. All he wants to do is play video games. He’s not doing his school work, he avoids his simple chores like making his bed, and he has shown no interest in extra-curricular activities at school.

The father was pretty worked up about the situation. He was talking about carrots, and even more about sticks. He talked about rules, guidelines and other structures that might help eradicate his son’s bad habits and replace them with good ones.

Mom, on the other hand, openly declared that she was concerned but not alarmed. She agreed that they could and should explore some avenues to improve the behaviors, but she was more of the view that her son was just going through a phase and would work his way out of it.

The conversation went on for some time. What struck me most was not the content of the dialogue, but rather, the mutual friendly and concerned tone. I can so easily imagine other situations where two adults would escalate the heat of the conversation, becoming increasingly defensive and/or increasingly aggressive about their differences of opinion. Maybe one would steamroll the other into capitulation and acquiescence.

A take-no-prisoners, give-no-quarter approach dominates our competitive culture where the loudest, most insistent voices seem to win – at least when it comes to talk radio and cable news.

But this couple did not pursue their difference with conventional win-at-all costs ideology. To the contrary, at one point I heard the mother say something like, “Although I’m not as worried about this as you are, I am curious about why you feel the way you feel.” A bit later she asked her husband what he was like when he was 13 years old. Still later she really won me over by saying, “Even though I’m not worried about this like you are, I will support whatever you want to do.”

The husband, for his part, did not try to convince his wife that she was wrong and he was right. He didn’t get louder or more insistent. He listened to her. He addressed her questions thoughtfully. He seemed grateful to be able to express himself fully without it turning into a tug-of-war.

Let’s look at a parallel conversation in the business world. One of my clients is a director, and one of her employees, a manager, has been on loan to a senior VP. When it came time for the company’s managers to provide preliminary ratings on their direct reports, my client gave her manager grades of As, Bs and Cs on various performance goals and attributes. Her evaluation was based on both firsthand observations and comments, sometimes complaints, from others in the organization. After submitting her rating through channels, it was bounced back to her. The SVP wanted the report card to read straight As. When she sought an audience to compare and contrast their different perspectives, the message was unambiguous: there is no debate; change the ratings.

What is the impact of this style of dialogue, or better put, lack of dialogue? First, the director feels disempowered and alienated. Second, she has already been approached by colleagues who learned of the top grades assigned to her manager. (It’s hard to keep a secret in any company!) They were steamed and blamed her, placing her in the difficult position of either accepting their scorn or throwing her boss under the bus. Third, and perhaps most unfortunate, a precedent has been set or reinforced that holds a VP’s opinion as sacrosanct.

Unfortunately, this director’s experience was not unusual; in fact it is probably the norm in most companies to accept without question the authority of the higher ranking executive.

Engaging in true two-way dialogue is not easy. It takes time. It goes against our competitive, litigious, right-wrong cultural sensibilities. It requires that we have BOTH the confidence of our own convictions AND the willingness to tolerate, even embrace, conflicting or alternative views. It requires that we set aside our ideas of power and politics and engage in true collaboration.

It’s not easy, it’s not common, but oh what a difference it can make.

As passengers gathered near the gate to board our flight, I saw a father sharply scold his young son who seemed more interested in looking out the window at the big planes than getting in a bustling line. He was shocked by his dad’s flare of temper and the sudden scolding, not realizing that he had done anything wrong. In fact, from his point of view he had not committed any offense. He simply was not on board with Dad’s plan. It was only a matter of moments before he started crying. Actually, it was more like wailing. I prayed our seats would be far apart.

My intent is not to condemn the father. I can sympathize with him. Travel is stressful, and even more so with young ones. His behavior was understandable, and, in my experience of watching parents and children, typical. Unfortunately, it was not effective if his goal was to maintain harmony and good spirits.

On the return trip I observed an entirely different approach to parenting, also around boarding time. A little girl was fascinated by the looks and sounds of people, concession stands and neon signs. As boarding time approached, her mother got down on a knee so she was eye to eye with her daughter. I didn’t catch all the words – I try to be subtle when I’m eaves dropping. But the gist of her dialogue was explaining to the little girl what was going to happen next. They would join the line to get on the plane – “and we’ll be among the first in line. Won’t that be cool?!” Then there will be the finding of seats, and mommie might need your help. Pretty soon after that we will drive down the runway and then lift off. That’s when we’ll be really flying. Then they’ll come around to offer us a snack and soda, so be thinking about what you might like to drink.

The little girl gladly gave up her preoccupation with the airport sights and sounds so she could join this exciting new adventure. I decided I wouldn’t mind sitting near this parent-child team.

There could be many factors accounting for the two different parenting scenarios. We all know that some kids are easier to “manage” than others. The temperaments or circumstances of the parents might also have played a role. But putting those elements aside, what I found most compelling, and most transferable to management, was how the second parent took time to explain things to her daughter. It was not a story of convincing the little girl to do what mommie wanted, but rather she told the girl a story about a compelling future that easily aroused the girl’s interest and enthusiastic followership. Perhaps just as important, the parent began the conversation by getting on her daughter’s level, in effect seeing the world through her daughter’s eyes.

Adults, like children, make up stories about the information presented to them. Anyone, adult or child, confronted with sudden unfavorable conditions for apparently random or whimsical reasons, will naturally feel upset, shocked, hurt or angry. But if such adverse events are placed in the context of dialogue that helps the adult or child understand the current situation and see a possibility for a promising future, the reaction will usually be far more agreeable.

Because managers are overwhelmed by many demands on their time, one of the things they tend to sacrifice is quality time with direct reports. I’m not saying managers need to spend hours each week relating to and bonding with employees. All it takes is a few well-chosen, intentional minutes per day letting people know what’s going on, finding out what’s happening in their worlds, listening, sharing, coaching and clarifying. All of this goes a long way toward helping them connect their work lives with the goals and performance of the company. It has them feeling listened-to and cared about. It has them less surprised or alienated by crises when they occur.

Such small investments of time can be the difference between smooth sailing and mutiny.